Jangan hilang harapan

Beberapa hari lalu ada kabar mengejutkan dari dunia hiburan Korea yaitu meninggalnya Kim Jong Hyun yang merupakan salah satu anggota grup SHINee. Jujur saya terkejut banget denger berita itu. Berita kemarian memang selalu mengejutkan. Lebih terkejut lagi waktu tahu kalau dia meninggal karena bunuh diri dan ternyata alasannya adalah depresi. Hhh sedih dengernya. Padahal, kenal juga enggak.

Sebenarnya berita bunuh diri bukan hal yang baru di Korea. Negara ini memang punya angka bunuh diri yang tinggi. Saya bukan fansnya Jong Hyun, pun bukan juga fans SHINee dan nggak pernah ngikutin beritanya. Walaupun dulu sempet suka lagu-lagu mereka, tapi saya nggak pernah sampai taraf ngefans. Mendengar dia bunuh diri karena depresi rasanya hati terenyuh banget. Emang terdengar lebay ya, tapi itu yang saya rasain. Mungkin karena saya pernah berada di situasi seperti itu juga. Yah, walaupun kehidupan yang saya jalanin jelas beda banget sama dia, tekanan yang dia alami juga beda sama tekanan yang saya alami. ButI’ve been there.

Selanjutnya saya mikir, apa kabar dengan orang-orang yang ditinggal? Gimana cara mereka recover dari situasi itu? Penyesalan yang luar biasa dalam karena nggak bisa mencegah hal itu terjadi pasti ada. Bahkan saya sempet bilang ke adik, semoga Jong Hyun bisa lihat ya di pemakaman dia banyak yang nangis banget.

Isi surat Jong Hyun yang bikin berkaca-kaca.

“I am damaged from the inside. The depression that has been slowly eating away at me has completely swallowed me, and I couldn’t win over it.

I hated myself. I tried to hold on to breaking memories and yelled at myself to get a grip, but there was no answer.bIf I can’t clear my breath, it’s better to stop.

I asked myself who can take care of myself. It’s only me. I was alone. It’s easy to say I’ll end things. It’s hard to end things. I lived all this time because of that difficulty. They said I wanted to run away. That’s true. I wanted to run away. From me. From you.

I asked who it was. It was me. And it was me. And it was me again.

I asked why I kept losing my memories. They said it was because of my personality. I see. It wa smy fault in the end.

I wanted someone to notice, but no one noticed. No one met me, so of course they don’t know I exist.

I asked why people live. Just. Just. People just live.

If I ask why people die, I guess they’d say they were tired.

I suffered and I worried. I never learned how to turn my pain into happiness.

Pain is just pain. They told me not to be like that. Why? I can’t even end things the way I want? They told me to figure out why I was hurting. I know very well why. I’m hurting because of me. It’s all my fault and because I’m bad.

Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?

No, I didn’t do anything wrong. When the doctor blamed my personality with a quiet voice, I thought it was so easy to be a doctor.

It’s amazing how much I’m hurting. People who are hurting more live well. People weaker than me live well. I guess not. Out of everyone alive, there’s no one hurting more than I am and there’s no one weaker than I am.

But they said I should live. I asked why so many times, but it’s not for me. It’s for you.

I wanted to be for me. Don’t say things that don’t make sense.

Figure out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Why I was hurting. Is it not okay to be hurting this much because of that? Do I need a more dramatic detail? I need more of a story? I told you why. Were you not listening? Things I can win over don’t end in scars.

It wasn’t my place to clash with the world. It wasn’t my life to be known to the world.

They said that was why I was hurting more. Because I had clashed with the world, because I was known to the world. Why did I choose this? That’s funny. It’s a miracle I lasted this far.

What more can I say? Just tell me I worked hard. That it was good of me to come this far. That I worked hard.

Even if you can’t smile as you let me go, please don’t blame me.

I worked hard. I really did work hard.

Good bye.”

Banyak orang berspekulasi kalau sebenarnya Jong Hyun sudah memberikan petunjuk lewat lagu-lagu dan postingan instagram dia kalau dia butuh pertolongan. Tapi entah orang-orang nggak sadar atau lain hal, saya juga nggak tahu. Dari suratnya sebenarnya kita juga bisa lihat kalau dia sebenarnya sudah cari pertolongan. Tapi ya manusia memang rumit.

Bahagia itu nggak sederhana ternyata. Ketika seseorang terlihat sudah memiliki segalanya, ternyata enggak jadi jaminan dia bahagia #klisebanget. Tapi yang pasti manusia butuh teman. Teman beneran, bukan cuman untuk haha hihi. Karena rasa kesepian itu seperti pembunuh perlahan dan jadi faktor paling berpengaruh dalam depresi menurut saya. Satu lagi, menurut buku tentang happiness yang pernah saya baca, karangan Paul Meier, kedekatan dengan Tuhan berperan penting dalam menjaga kesehatan mental kita.

Buat yang depresi, carilah pertolongan. Jangan hilang harapan.

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